Mentality Check
by Chiuhaen
Summary: Here in the Varia house filled with trained assassins and killers, there holds a tiny little secret that can bring down even the evilest of all villains, what is this secret you ask? Oh right, an adorable child of course! Starring the Varia as shitty parents! Warning(s): Colorful language...
1. Target 1

**A/N:** Well here it is the beginning of another horrible story, I seriously don't know what's going on in my head as I write this stuff but I hope you enjoy!

**Warning(s):** Language

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn, if I did stupid shit like this would be happening…

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night, well actually it wasn't all that stormy and it sure as hell wasn't dark due to the crimson flames that engulfed an entire town in the behind scenery. Down in the burning city, loud maniac sounding laughs could be heard that went along the lines of, "Ushishishi die peasants."

The laughs were followed by a monotonous voice that merely said, "Bel-senpai, you're starting to act like a fake prince again." The owner of the voice yawned directly after. Another 'Ushishishi' was heard and also the sound of knives against fabric, a frog hat to be exact. "Ow." The voice wearing the hat stated, showing no signs of emotion or pain what so ever.

"The Prince is not a fake prince, Froggie." This 'Bel' character laughed his malevolence laugh again. "Ushishish-" But was interrupted.

"VOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII," Screamed the long haired newcomer, who could be mistaken as a female from afar but was most likely male due to the tone of his voice, "BOSS SAID TO KILL EVERYBODY IN THIS USELESS TOWN!" She… No, he shouted, crazily waving his hand-sword around as his long flowing white hair also moved with the wind.

"Mou, Squ-chan, don't be so loud! Boss won't be happy if you continue to scream like that!" Shortly an even more gender-mixed newcomer came into the picture. It was in fact a very flamboyant man with a half shaved head that was dyed an electric green. The man who we find out is named Lussuria, was also wearing a frilly jacket and dashing sunglasses to top off his bold look.

Soon a loud gunshot was heard followed by a bright orange flame that shot into the air. Yet another newcomer arrived, this time a terrifying character who merely sat in his throne carried by a pedophile looking giant man. The scarred man, Xanxus, on his throne, looked at the rugged bunch and merely tsked. "Trash-" He was, however, interrupted by a small childlike cry.

The men around him gulped. "VROIIIIIIIIII BEL, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS AREA!" Squ-chan, short for Squalo, screamed pointing his sword at the blonde haired so called prince.

"Ushishishi, the Prince did kill everyone in his area, this place belongs to the boss." And with that everyone turned to their boss who lazily took a sip from his wine cup that seemed to magically appear out of nowhere.

"Oi, trashes, go kill whatever is making that noise." Ordered the boss man as he took yet another sip from his cup. The group immediately split up to find the source of those cries.

"Guys, I found the thing." Froggie- err… Fran said in a dead yet slightly loud voice. The others gathered towards the frog headed boy and looked at where he was pointing. Lussuria walked over to the pile of rubble and pulled out a small being.

"Mou it's just a baby!" The flamboyant man cried, as he put the small child who was bundled in a violet blanket in his arms. The baby surprisingly had a bit of purple mist surrounding it. "But look! The baby has mist flames around it! Maybe its parents tried to use the flames as a cover up to protect this child!" Lussuria exclaimed cooing at the baby in his arms.

"Alright! Who's gonna kill it?!" Squalo shouted. Oh wait, that was just his normal voice.

"No! Let's ask Boss if we can keep it! It's so cute!" Lussuria continued to coo at the child who stopped crying to admire the colorful, big man in front of it.

"Ushishishi the Prince agrees, we should keep it," Everyone threw a disbelieving look at Bel, who knew that this blood thirsty, maniac prince actually had a heart, "What? The Prince needs a new target board." They stand corrected.

"VOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BOSS SAID TO KILL IT!" Squalo screamed this time.

"But Squ-chan, the baby is so cute! Maybe we can train it to be the best assassin in the entire world!" At this point Lussuria was happily spinning with the child in his arms.

Squalo was about to scream blood murder at the other man when it hit him, if the Varia were to raise a child, it would turn out to be the most deadly killing machine in the entire world! Squalo let out a low chuckle before dramatically lifting his head. "VOIIIIIIIIIIII I'M GOING TO TRAIN THIS BRAT TO BE THE BEST SWORDSMAN IN THE WORLD!" He suddenly shouted, startling the other Varia members and slightly amusing the baby.

"Ushishishi." was Bel's reply to their strategy captain.

Squalo forcefully plucked the baby out of Lussuria's arms and began waving it around with his arm that didn't have the sword, "VOIIIIIIIIIIIII BOSS, WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THIS THING!" The entire squad expected to see their beloved boss either shoot the baby or Squalo, which ever deemed more necessary, but his reaction was a surprise to all.

"Hn." He merely replied causing Squalo and the squad to nastily choke on their spit. "I better not see that trash or else I'll blow it to pieces." Now there was the boss they all knew and hated.

Lussuria celebrated by clapping in joy, he took the child back from Squalo, but was met with the cries of the baby itself. "Mou! Baby, don't cry! Mama-Luss is here!" Lussuria began fussing over the child again but alas his efforts were futile as the baby continued to cry, making grabby hands and adorable puppy eyes towards Squalo.

"VOIIIIIIIII DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT YOU STUPID BRAT!" Squalo barked at the baby who seemed to have stopped crying as soon as Squalo opened his mouth. The baby laughed and continued to grab at Squalo. Lussuria pouted and began to whine about how his baby liked that stupid shark more than its own mother. The rag-tag group soon made their way into their car/limo completely forgetting about the burning city that was still behind them.

* * *

The car ride was an eventful one as usual seeing as though a bunch of skilled assassins were all placed in one car. However courtesy of all the whining and pouting provided by Lussuria, they were all forced to take turns holding the baby. Varia quality meet and greet time, he told them.

"Shark Captain, how do we find out if this baby's a boy or a girl?" The dreaded question they all expected coming was asked by Fran who was awkwardly holding the baby, who was quite interested in his frog hat, in his arms.

Squalo nervously coughed, "VOIIIIIIII HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, GET THAT PEACOCK TRASH TO CHECK!" He ever so loudly shouted dangerously waving his arm-sword around. That's when he realized, "Shit, do any of you Trashes even know how to take care of a baby?" he asked- err… shouted. The entire car was silent for a few good seconds.

"Ushishishi, that pedophile old man should know, he is a pedophile old man." Bel suggested, the deadly assassins turned towards Levi, the pedophile old man.

"I-I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!" Levi shouted. Sure, everyone silently thought.

"That's right the old man isn't a pedophile," Fran started defending Levi much to everyone's surprise

"Thank y-"

"Cause he has his eyes set on the boss." They thought too soon.

"Why you little, BRAT!" Levi then attempted to reach over Bel and Squalo to choke Fran which only caused the baby in Fran's arms to start crying earning the pedophile a hard whack on the head from Lussuria.

Fussing over the baby, Lussuria took it out of Fran's arms and passed it to the next person which just so happened to be Squalo. "You hold it Squ-chan, since it likes you so much." Lussuria pouted even more as they all watched the baby giggle and make various adorable sounds whilst in Squalo's arms.

"FUCKING BRAT," Squalo screamed as the baby tugged on a good chunk of the assassin's silver hair, the baby continued to giggle at Squalo's reaction, pulling more just to see that reaction again, "you fucking fearless piece of shit." Squalo mumbled watching the blonde haired baby stare at him with its weird ocean blue colored eyes. "The fucking kid's a boy." The car went silent again.

"Ara, how do you know that Shark Captain?" Fran once again, with his monotone voice, asked.

"I can see it in his fucking eyes, he's a fucking boy!" Fran stared at his captain. Shark knowledge was something he didn't quite understand yet. "Voi if you people want proof look at his… er… thing."

"Ushishishi, the Prince demands that Froggie should be the one that's going to check baby prince's diaper!" Bel laughed his all so weird laugh.

Fran shook his head and put his hands up in defeat, "No can do, sorry Shark Captain, get someone else to check."

Squalo tsked again, "VOIII FINE! LUSSURIA YOU PROVE TO THEM THAT HE'S A BOY!" He shouted.

"Mou fine!" Lussuria snapped out of his sulking trance to hold the baby again. With the baby in his arms Lussuria took the chance to take a look at the baby's gender, after a few seconds Lussuria pulled the baby into a big hug, "Yay! We have a perfectly adorable baby…" The car inhabitants leaned in closer in order to hear the flamboyant man. "Boy!" He chirped squeezing the baby's chubby cheeks in the process.

"VOIIIII I WAS RIGHT HA!" Squalo began boasting about his sharp eyes and great instincts. As soon as the boasting ended, the car stopped as well, they were back at the Varia base.

* * *

"So Shark Captain, what should we name him?" Fran oh so annoyingly asked.

The Varia squad was currently gathered at the dinner table, the baby, who they found out was in fact a boy, was silently sitting in the middle of the wooden piece of furniture.

"VOIIII WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME ABOUT THAT STUPID FUCKING BRAT. HE'S NOT EVEN MINE!" Complained a certain Shark Captain.

"Cause he likes you the most." Was Fran's simple reply, the others one by one acknowledged that the baby did in fact like Squalo, a lot.

Squalo scoffs and stubbornly turns his head to the side, a light blush was spotted on the captain's face, "VOIIII FINE! I SAY WE CALL HIM SUPERBI JR." The baby's face supported a small baby grin. 'Voiii' he liked that word, 'Voiii', it just sounded so cool to him.

"Ushishishi, baby prince shouldn't have such a peasant name, how about Rasiel." As if on cue, the blonde headed baby let out a noise of disapproval, he didn't like that 'Ushishishi' sound at all.

"VOIIIIIIIIIII!" A happy gurgle, this time, was emitted from the baby's mouth after hearing this funny sound come from a certain shark man again. The baby really did like shark man, he was so cool!

"But Bel-senpai, your dead brother's name is weird. I say Kuro fits him much better." The baby was now attempting to reach for the long locks of Squalo's silver hair that was dangling very close to him.

"No, no, no, black is not his color Fran-kun, I think Ichigo is a better name for him!" The small child frowned, he didn't really like this weird colorful man, he was kind of weird.

The doors to the dining room opened and in walked the fearful Varia boss. "Nicoli." Was all Xanxus said before plopping down in his king seat and eating the grand steak that was set out for him. The baby, no, Nicoli, grinned and started to gurgle extra happily as he watched Xanxus take large bites of his steak.

Levi glared at the baby, how dare he get the boss's attention.

"VOIIIIIIIIIIII WHO KNEW THAT SHITTY BOSS IS PRETTY GOOD AT NAMING THINGS!?" Squalo began to dangerously wave his arm-sword around again.

"Mou, I guess 'Conqueror of the People' and 'Victorious' aren't so bad." Lussuria really wanted to name him Ichigo though, but Nicoli would do.

"Umm, Shark Captain, don't look now but Nicoli is gone." Fran pointed to the empty violet blanket that was supposed to hold the baby but was obviously not holding him at the moment.

"VOIIIII FUCK!"

* * *

**A/N:** I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes I didn't manage to catch, I hope you liked it!


	2. Target 2

**A/N:** Fluffy, chapter is fluffy, some Squalo action in this chapter, heads up!

**Warning(s):** Language, OOC-ish

**Disclaimer:** I don't own KHR, if I did the Varia would be hardcore babysitters..

* * *

"VOIIIIIII, FUCKING BRAT WHERE ARE YOU." Squalo's loud shouting echoed throughout the Varia mansion. "ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING BRAT."

Bel snickered, "Ushishishi Shark Captain, the baby can't even speak yet, how can he answer you." Squalo did a perfect anime take-back and bashfully cleared his throat mumbling something that oddly sounded like 'I knew that'.

"Wow, who knew Shark Captain was actually pretty stupid." Fran sarcastically commented with his annoying monotone voice.

Squalo blushed like a tsundere, "VOIIIII SHUT UP FRAN, EVERYONE SPLIT UP TO FIND THAT BRAT." He barked whilst waving his arm-sword around in the air almost cutting off a side of Levi's mustache, an earsplitting gunshot was heard from the boss's seat.

Xanxus had fired his gun, "Shut the fuck up trash, I'm eating." Was his only comment before he continued to consume his high quality Japanese sirloin steak, his favorite too.

Squalo scowled, "VOIII FUCK YOU TRASH BOSS." As if on cue a glass of wine was thrown at his head. The red liquid slowly cascaded down his shimmering silver hair, Squalo's eyes began twitching, "VOIIIII ASSHOLE." Squalo lunged forward at Xanxus preparing to cut a bitch but was sadly pulled back by Lussuria.

"Squ-chan, stop fighting! Come on we have to find Nicoli!" the feminine man disapproved the shark's behavior and pulled him away from the dining room where the boss was still eating. Squalo tsked and released himself from Lussuria's grip.

"How the fuck did that baby even get off the table anyways." Squalo asked in his normal voice, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion, seriously how did the baby get off the table without anyone knowing?

Fran shrugged, Bel shishi'ed, Lussuria ranted on and on about how a bitch was going to get slapped if his baby was harmed, soon all eyes turned to Levi. Said man gulped nervously, "I put him on the ground; he is unworthy of the boss's attention." A sudden wave of evil intent washed the entire area. All glares were directed towards the bearded man; Levi gulped again and silently prayed for his life.

Lussuria then proceeded to knee Levi in the crotch area, the man doubled over in pain. "So it's your fault my baby's lost!" He scolded with a frown on his face, oh was he going to slap this bitch or what. Thankfully for Levi, Lussuria's bitch fit was interrupted.

"Uhh Shark Captain, I think I found the baby…" All eyes looked at Fran who was pointing at the ceiling where the chandelier was.

Bel scoffed stubbornly crossing his arms, "Stupid frog how could the baby get up there?" Everyone looked up anyways. Fran was actually right; the baby was really up there, "Ushishishi."

"VOIII WHAT THE FUCK." Squalo coincidentally voiced everyone's thoughts at that moment. "FUCKING BRAT, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET UP THERE."

"Shark Captain, for the last time, the baby can't answer you." Squalo cleared his throat in embarrassment again.

Lussuria began panicking, "Mou Nicoli! Get down from there honey, it's dangerous! Mama-Luss will give you candy and treats if you do!" He desperately tried to persuade the baby to get down but alas his efforts were futile, Nicoli continued to dangerously swing on the chandelier while happily gurgling.

"Ushishishi, should the Prince cut the baby down?" Bel laughed taking out his shiny knife collection earning a smack on the head courtesy of Lussuria.

Suddenly before they knew it Nicoli's grip had slipped from the golden bar of the chandelier and he somehow flew off the causing multiple screams of horror and lots of crashing and burning in between, much to their surprise the blond baby was actually hovering in the air. "WHAT THE FUCK." What the fuck indeed Squalo, what the fuck indeed.

Fran let out an exasperated sigh and walked over to the baby, who was much closer to the ground now, and taking it in his arms, "I work with stupid idiots," Fran mumbled, "If you look closely you can see that the baby is producing his own cloud flames, which is enabling him to fly." Nicoli yawned, exhausted from playing around too much, and continued to fall asleep. The others simultaneously oh'ed in newfound understanding. Lussuria skipped over to Fran and took the sleeping baby from him.

"VOIII SO THE FUCKING BRAT IS A CLOUD USER HUH." Squalo, for some abnormal reason, felt like a proud shark father to the brat.

"Shush Squ-chan! Nicoli is sleeping!" Lussuria once again did his signature smack across a bitch's head and continued to coo at the sleeping baby, "We can deal with the flames tomorrow, for now who wants to let Nicoli sleep with them tonight?" He cheerfully asked the others who seemed to have froze at his question.

Squalo was the first to unfreeze, "Voiii why would he be sleeping with one of us?" He asked in confusion.

"Obviously because we don't have a room set up for him yet!" More utters of oh were heard, god these people were idiots, "So who calls first dibs!" No one answered, Lusurria frowned, "Fine I volunteer Squ-chan, since baby Nicoli likes him so much." The others seemed to nod in agreement; the baby just seemed to really like their captain for some reason.

Squalo tsked and took Nicoli from Lussuria's arms with surprising gentleness, "Fine." He mumbled but was more like said because we all know how loud Squalo's voice is.

Lussuria happily clapped. "And with that I bid you all goodnight!" he chirped blowing air kisses at everyone.

* * *

The time was 4:32 in the morning and the baby decided it was an appropriate moment to start screeching and crying, Squalo groggily woke up and quickly attached his arm-sword on at assassin speed.

"VOIIIII WHO THE FUCK IS THERE." He shouted waving the sword around, "Oh wait it's just you." Squalo yawned and took off the sword extension of his mechanical arm, "Why the fuck are you crying brat." He asked as if he were expecting an answer come out of the baby. "Voii shut the fuck up; people are trying to sleep here." Nicoli continued to cry and that was when Squalo realized that he knew bat-shit squat about taking care of a baby. "Fuck." The swordsman mumbled awkwardly taking Nicoli in his arms. Squalo's shark senses were activated, "VOIII YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT, FUCK YOU." Squalo's nose scrunched up in distaste, he really did smell like shit, ah fuck him.

Squalo angrily grumbled and took the baby by his foot extending him away from his face in disgust; Nicoli was now hanging upside down. Squalo muttered more curses under his breath and sleepily walked over to the baby care bag Lussuria left with him, he took out what he believed was a clean diaper, a baby changing mat, and baby wipes, also a pair of gardening gloves, a face mask, a few plastic bags, and 2 bottles of air freshener spray. Squalo deemed that these were the appropriate tools for baby changing, now for the last part. How the fuck do you even change a baby's diaper.

Squalo vaguely remembered Lussuria's instructions, it went something like, take off the old diaper, wipe the shit, put on the new diaper. Sweat dripped down Squalo's forehead, fuck this was difficult shit. "VOIIIIII DON'T WE HAVE FUCKING MAIDS TO DO THIS SHIT." He screamed out of frustration, Squalo then remembered that no, Lussuria did not actually count as a woman and that the Varia mansion did not in fact have any maids, they were all fucking sexist bastards and Squalo was going to make sure that changes. Would that make him a closet feminist? Squalo absentmindedly shrugged and continued to be utterly confused and aggravated at the whole diaper changing ordeal.

Maybe he should just call Lussuria in here to change the diaper, Squalo thought while watching Nicoli uncomfortably move around in his own poop. "VOIIIII FUCK THAT TRASH, I'LL DO THIS MYSELF." Squalo then proceeded to slowly open the old diaper, his face mask secure on his face and the gardening gloves on his hands. Squalo twitched in disgust as he took 10 baby wipes in hand and began the wiping, vomit threatened to come out of his throat, fuck this was disgusting as hell. Squalo deeply breathed and wiped some of the sweat off his forehead with his shoulder. He silently praised women for being able to do this without a sweat.

After a grand total of 58 wipes, 1 and a half bottles of air freshener, and 5 plastic bags, Squalo had finally finished part 2, now for the last component, putting on the clean diaper. Squalo glared at the final piece, whatever the fuck it was supposed to be, and composed himself by doing various breathing exercises that just made him look like a panting puppy. With one last deep breath Squalo quickly took the diaper and assembled it like how Lussuria's instructions had explained, put the big side where his butt is then pull the front over his little ding and then strap the sides. Squalo let out the breath he was holding and proceeded to fall backwards in exhaustion. "Fuck you baby." He complained letting out a loud yawn.

And with that the clock turned exactly 5 and both Squalo and Nicoli fell soundly asleep on the floor, Squalo's head dangerously near the poop bag, and in his arms the baby comfortably snuggled close to the shark's chest.

* * *

The clock read 7:24 and Squalo was once again awaken by the cries of Nicoli, "VOIII FUCK YOU, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW." He screamed which only caused Nicoli to cry more if that was even possible, Squalo scowled at the cloud baby before storming out of his room with Nicoli in his hands. Squalo stomped throughout the halls and stopped at a disgustingly pink and sparkly door, "VOIII TRASH TAKE THIS BABY AWAY FROM ME, HE'S ANNOYING." The door opened to reveal a Lussuria who was sparkling even more today for some reason.

"Baby!" Lussuria happily cooed gladly taking a crying Nicoli out of Squalo's grasp. "Mou, he's just hungry Squ-chan! Leave the feeding to me, now shoo shoo, off you go now!" Squalo tsked and trudged back down the hall mumbling something about a stupid fucking brat and needing more sleep.

With Nicoli in his arms, Lussuria started gaily humming as the two of them made their way to the dining room from the previous night. The flashy man then placed Nicoli in a fancy looking highchair he spent all night working on, seriously all night on a chair that oddly resembled the royal throne in England; it even had velvet seating and everything. "My baby prince in his new seat fit for a king!" Lussuria cooed at the baby. "Stay here for a moment baby; I must call everyone for breakfast!"

Soon loud naggings were heard all the way from the dining room.

The first to walk in was surprisingly Squalo who was complaining about not being able to sleep anyways, he looked over and saw the very thing that kept him up, Nicoli in his throne that was situated in between Lussuria's and Squalo's own seats, the strategy captain lowly scoffed at the baby who was quietly sitting in his seat and staring at Squalo.

"VOIIIIII STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU FUCKING BRAT." Squalo barked with a scowl on his deathly pale face that had dark bags under his eyes, god he looked tired.

The sound of familiar laughs was heard, "Ushishishi, the idiot captain is shouting at the baby so early in the morning." Bel snickered, his hands perched comfortably over his own blond head.

"Shark Captain, don't be mean to Nicoli." Fran who walked in after Bel complained with no emotion what so ever.

Lussuria walked in with a wide assortment of food in his hands, the flamboyant man continued to walk in and out bringing in more food with every trip, "There! Finished! Now we wait for Xan-chan!" Lussuria clapped his hands in glee and sat in his seat, the others following shortly. "Say ah baby!" Lussuria was feeding Nicoli a disgusting mixture that looked like the shit Squalo had to take care of last night. "Only baby Nicoli here get's to eat cause he's very hungry right!" Lussuria squealed in delight as Nicoli happily laughed as if agreeing with the man.

Suddenly the doors to the dining room was blown to smithereens, the boss man was here.

* * *

**A/N:** Well this chapter is finished. Sorry for any mistakes I didn't manage to catch but I hope you liked it!


	3. Target 3

**A/N:** Sorry for not updating in like a while, there were some problems that unexpectedly showed up so I couldn't update(insert tears) also I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the last two chapters! Fran is the feature of this chapter! I hope you like it!

**Warning(s):** Language, OOC-ish, A bit of Levi bashing(what can I say, that guy's a weird pervert)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own KHR, if I did the girls would take over the world...

* * *

"Make way for the Xanxus-sama." Every single body present, save Xanxus of course, groaned in disgust, and maybe a bit of slight hatred, at the person who for some reason decided it was necessary to announce their boss's arrival, like they didn't fucking know that their boss was here, and was it really essential to call their boss, 'The Xanxus-sama'? Glares of evil intent were sent in Levi's general direction.

The pedophile- err facial haired man gulped nervously, it seems that they weren't all over that baby incident last night. But it certainly wasn't his fault that brat decided to get the boss's attention! Of course not, and so Levi declared that it was not in fact his fault but Nicoli's; if this were a fiction story his nose would have grown like Pinocchio's, you dirty liar old pervert man.

"Voii shut the fuck up trash." Squalo scowled and took his seat next to Nicoli, who oh so happily enjoyed his company.

Breakfast was painstakingly boring and dreadful; the only sounds produced throughout the entire meal were the chomping and chewing of mouths, the clanking and clacking of silverware, the cooing of Lussuria, the messy gurgling of Nicoli, and an occasional 'ushishi' from Bel.

They were down to the last roll, Squalo made a grab at it, as did Xanxus. The entire dining room became silent, two hands at equal distance from the piece of bread.

Squalo broke the silence as their boss and he both proceeded forward towards the food, "VOIIII TRASH BOSS THIS IS MINE, I SAW IT FIRST." Cue the throwing of Xanxus' wine glass to his head. Xanxus was the bread winner and Squalo took a wine bath. Nicoli giggled and clapped his hands, what a funny show.

"Hey Lussuria," Fran chomped on his carrot, "exactly how old is Nicoli?"

Lussuria stopped eating to ponder on that question, "Hmm, well he can crawl already so about 7 to 9 months old?" Nicoli giggled again. "OH HOW CUTE!" Lussuria squealed.

"Ushishishi can't Froggie just go in the baby's head and look around for the earliest memories?" The table was silent again, how weird for an assassin group to be honest.

"No, I'd rather not; children have terrifying minds believe it or not." It was true though, "their heads are like filled of weird crap like rainbow blobs chasing people, it's kind of like if you were to get extremely high." A shiver of knowing passed through everyone save Xanxus.

"Ushishishi."

Fran faced the audience with a deadpan face. "Yeah, don't get high at home kids."

"Isn't it supposed to be, don't get high at all kids." Fran shrugged.

"I'm not the one writing this story." He says. Everyone looks at Fran with an incredulous expression.

"Fran, honey, who are you talking to?" Lussuria asks the mint haired kid, Fran shrugs again. So what he broke the 4th wall, this wasn't the first time he did it either, nor will it be the last time.

"Asgjdsfkas." Nicoli spoke, wanting to join the weird conversation; his mashed peas flying everywhere. Good god that was disgusting.

"Kyaa my baby spoke! Say mama Nicoli ma-ma!" Lussuria cooed at the adorable blonde haired baby. Nicoli clapped instead.

"HAHAHAHAHA VOIIIIIIIIIIII THE BABY DIDN'T SAY SHIT."

Nicoli huffed, "Mmmaaaaa…." They all froze and leaned in towards the baby. "Aaaaa… Vvvv… Rrrrr… Mmmmm…. VOI." They all stared.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA VOIIIIIIIII, IN YOUR FACES, DUMB BITCHES, I bet he takes it after me." No one else spoke, but Squalo he's not even your son he can't take things after you, they wanted to say.

"Shut up trash." Another perfectly good glass of wine wasted on the silver haired strategy captain. Squalo waves his arm-sword around in rage, Nicoli grabs his spoon and copies the guy.

"Voiii!" The baby attempts to mimic Squalo's movements whilst flinging mashed peas everywhere, "Voii!" and in that moment all the Varia officers seemed to have a simultaneous second of weakness. So cute, they all screamed in their heads, 'cept probably Xanxus, and Levi of course who only has eyes for the boss.

"ADORABLE, MY BABY IS A-DORA-BLE!" Cue the spilling of more mashed peas. "That's it, we're going shopping today; my baby needs to have the best quality everything!" Multiple groans erupted from the table, oh god not shopping.

* * *

"Ushishishi where did Lussuria even get this stroller from?" It was a rare sight, the Varia officers walking together with a baby in a stroller; it was like a weird family setting, Squalo was the bat-shit crazy mom pushing the stroller of course, Lussuria was obviously the deranged aunt, and Fran and Bel were like the older brothers, Nicoli clearly being the youngest, yup a beautiful family.

"I took it off some other ugly baby who wasn't good enough for it." They all shrugged and went with the story. Why no one has yet to report them was a mystery.

The rag-tag team of a family stopped triumphantly at their destination, the shopping area entrance gate. "Voii, let's split up so we can quickly get the things for the brat, Bel you handle the bedroom necessities,"

"Ushishishi"

"Fran you take the kid to the play place or something,"

"Roger, Shark Captain." He saluted the silveret and took the stroller from their captain.

"Lussuria, you got the clothes and shit like that,"

"Mmmhmm! My baby will have the best clothes ever!"

"And I'll get the diapers and shit." They all mentally nodded at one another before leaving to complete their task.

* * *

"VOIIIIIII HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW MANY MONTHS OLD THAT STUPID FUCKING BRAT IS." Squalo shouted at the store worker who cowered in fear.

"S-S-S-Sir, I-I-I-I c-can't g-get you a l-list of things y-you need i-if I don't k-know h-how old your c-child is.." Squalo glared, the worker shivered, oh god was this job even worth it?

"VOIIIIIIIIIIII I SAID HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, JUST GET ME SHIT FOR BRATS WHO CAN CRAWL AND SHIT OR ELSE I WILL CUT YOU." The worker paled as he nodded and ran away as quickly as he could to appease this customer.

The poor worker hastily ran around the store gathering things appropriate for an 8 month old baby. Oh god, the worker thought, this extremely dangerous man is taking care of an 8 month old baby, he called the cops.

"Sir we're going to have to ask you to leave." The cop calmly asked Squalo.

"VOIIIIIIIIII I WORK WITH THE VONGOLA SO IF YOU DON'T GET ME MY FUCKING THINGS I WILL CUT ALL OF YOU." The cop's eyes widened.

"I am so sorry for the inconvenience sir, we will get you your things, free of charge, if you would please wait here for a moment." Squalo tsked and sat in the chair behind him. How fucking hard is it to get shit for a baby. The cop ushered multiple workers to get the silver haired man's things.

After a good 10 minutes of waiting, the workers returned with a few carts filled with high quality diapers, sanitary wipes, and a baby booster seat. "Here you are sir, also a card for free of charge on anything in this store, we apologize for the whole mess." The manager bowed to Squalo who took the card from him and walked out of the store pulling the carts with him.

"Stupid fucking workers." Squalo, much to everyone's surprise, muttered quietly under his breath.

* * *

"Mmmhmm yes, I need your highest quality worker to make me clothes for these exact measurements." Lussuria rambled in the custom clothes shop he always buys from, "I want the best fabrics and real jewels, oh how about diamonds for this part, ooh and maybe a few rubies, no, ruby doesn't match my baby, let's go with aquamarines, it brings out his adorable eyes." The workers, people who were used to Lussuria's demands, quickly ran around with the best quality everything for the man who was a woman at heart.

* * *

In the furniture store everyone was shivering in newfound fear as a maniac blond who proclaimed to be a prince tossed a few of his knives around, "Ushishishishi, peasant get The Prince the best baby furniture in this store." They all ran.

* * *

Fran had officially conquered the playground and announced himself the king, the children scampered away in terror to their mothers screaming for the snakes to stop chasing them. Everyone left the premises. "I am king of the world." Fran exclaimed standing on top of the monkey bars with no emotion what so ever. "and you, baby, are my squire, we will take over the world one playground at a time." He declared pointing to Nicoli who more or less enjoyed the show. Nicoli giggled and clapped his hands.

Fran jumped down from the bars and proceeded to take Nicoli out of his stroller, "Let's do a Lion King redemption." He told the baby who only giggled as a reply.

At the top of the circular jungle gym Fran stood on his feet and held Nicoli by the armpits, lifting him high up in the air, the playground scenery turned into that one beginning scene from The Lion King. They were on an extremely tall cliff now, "Naaaants ingonyama bagithi Baba, Sithi uhm ingonyama, Nants ingonyama bagithi baba, Sithi uhhmm ingonyama, Ingonyama, Siyo Nqoba, Ingonyama, Ingonyama nengw' enamabala" The beginning people sang. The animals around them gathered and bowed to Nicoli, the new born lion prince.

There was a shark, a mink, and a peacock, the shark and the mink didn't look extremely happy. The sound track stopped and the illusion faded, "Wassup Shark Captain, Bel, Lussuria, come join us in Nicoli's initiation." He deadpanned lifting Nicoli into the air again. The sound track began playing.

"VOIIIII GET DOWN FROM THERE FRAN, WE'RE GOING HOME." Fran tsked and jumped down the the jungle gym with Nicoli happily gurgling in his arms.

Lussuria was holding multiple bags of clothes, Squalo pulled a few carts with him and Bel… Well…

"Phony Prince, how are we supposed to fit a trolley into the car." Fran asked Bel who was indeed dragging an actual trolley filled with baby furniture with him.

"Ushishishishi, we don't." No one understood exactly what Bel meant by that, they all shrugged and walked to the parking lot with their things. They all finally understood what Bel had meant when he took the fast route home by riding on the Trolley down an extremely steep hill.

"Ah, we can't fit everyone in the car with Nicoli's booster seat taking up so much room so someone is going to have to sit on the roof," Lussuria pouted. Fran raised his hand.

"I volunteer as tribute." He quoted.

"Don't say that Fran, the copy rights police are everywhere!" Lussuria ushered Fran onto the roof of the car and quickly drove to the Varia castle before the police tries to get them. Bel was already there waiting for the rest of the team to come back.

"We're home." Fran spoke a bit louder than his usual voice but with the same emotion, nothing.

"Alright let's get crackin' darlings!" Lussuria clapped his hands for their underlings to come and get Nicoli's stuff.

* * *

"How to set up your own crib." Bel tsked and threw away the instructions and proceeded to work on the baby bed. "Ushishishishi why isn't this working for The Prince." He asks no one in particular.

"You have to read the instructions Bel." Lussuria explains to the blond.

"Ushishishishi ,The Prince doesn't need any instructions, why doesn't this piece fit with this one?" He asks again. Fran, who was playing peek-a-boo with Nicoli, face palmed.

"Because according to the instructions, that part is one of the legs Phony Prince, it doesn't go on the side." Fran sighed.

"Ushishishishi The Prince knew that, The Prince was just testing you, also don't we have people to do this for us?" He asked again, they all stopped working, didn't they have people who could do this for them?

"No 'cause the author wanted us to suffer." Fran explained, they all looked at him, confused. Ah he broke the 4th wall again.

"WAIT VOIIIIIII WHY DIDN'T I GET TO TALK YET." Squalo complained.

"Because the author forgot you existed, Shark Captain." Once again, everyone was confused. Stop breaking the 4th wall Fran. Fran shrugged.

"Stop talking and get to work guys, Nicoli's room must be absolutely perfect!" Lussuria exclaimed whilst scolding the other Varia officers. They all grumbled out an 'okay' before continuing their labor.

* * *

**A/N: **Wowie, I hope you liked that. I'm not sure when the next update will be but I hope it's soon omg. Also sorry for any mistakes I didn't catch!


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